Dating Tip of the Day

01/29/2004 - Research shows that when you get a woman talking about something happy from her past, she'll transfer those joyous feelings to you.

Dream Analysis for Dummies

01/29/2004 - Tadpoles; dreaming of tadpoles suggests the beginning of the new phase or project because they are representative of the circle of life.

Today's Horoscope

01/29/2004 - Take the easier route for a change instead of the hard route.
Today was a nice day... Worked from home, was more productive than normal and didn't have to get all gussied up to be in the office. Yep, it was a nice day.

Office Productivity Tool

The blog is hard at work and most definitely not trying to see how far it can go... (1214.7)

Dream Analysis for Dummies

01/28/2004 - Lepers; dreaming of lepers suggests that you feel as though you have been rejected by society at large.

Today's Horoscope

01/28/2004 - Add to your music collection. New songs and artists will soothe you.
Attention, RIAA. I will not be illegally downloading music for my pleasure. Instead, I will be making copies off of the radio in digital format for personal use. Neener neener!

*** ALERT ***

The blog is currently experiencing technical difficulties. There's nothing wrong with the Internet and a high likelihood that there's nothing wrong with your computer (yet). Please stand by...

Dream Analysis for Dummies

01/25/2004 - Kettle; dreaming of a kettle symbolizes transformation and change.

01/24/2004 - Hunting; dreaming of hunting suggests you seek vengeance for having been wronged.

01/23/2004 - Shoes; dreaming of shoes suggests that you feel grounded, stable and in touch with your surroundings.

Dating Tip of the Day

01/25/2004 - Some female signs are less complicated than others. A single upraised middle finger still means what it always did.

01/24/2004 - Unless you're a legitimate Hollywood director, don't call women "Baby".

Horoscopic Analysis

01/25/2004 - Your goals are within your reach. The next stepping stone is there.
WOOHOO!! Passed the Basic Motorcycle Riding Course today. 2 days and one evening, $100 later and I've got my motorcycle endorsement. Come Tuesday I'll need to go to the DOL and get my license updated. Perhaps I should get a haircut first? Hmm...

01/24/2004 - The solution is a creative one - not the usual cookie-cutter one.
D'oh! Back to the old drawing board...

01/23/2004 - Take a giant step back from the problem in order to see the solution.
Yes... I can see it all so clearly now!

01/22/2004 - You will tread along very sensitive subjects today. Be careful.
I must wonder if I'm compared to being a bull in a china shop at times... Tread lightly? Nah, it's just that things need to shaken up or stirred up every once in a while!

01/21/2004 - Find the joy in things instead of seeing every aspect as a hardship.
Anytime, anywhere and absolutely!

01/20/2004 - Show off your independence instead of being dependent on others.
Works independently from others when necessary to achieve monumental tasks cross-functionally across the organization.

01/19/2004 - Be open to foreign concepts, people and ideas. They offer answers.
Answers? We don't need no stinkin' answers!

01/18/2004 - Shed your responsibilities for the day. Play hooky. Be a kid again.
Visited the Smithsonian Institute this day and had fun being a kid again, even if it's just for a boy.

01/17/2004 - The more inner reflection you can do at this time, the better.
Inner reflection... Inner reflection... Inner reflection...

01/16/2004 - A good blowout is long overdue. Go ahead and argue your point.
Holy crap!! How oddly appropos...

The Return Of The Blog

Well, it's been a nice break from blogging for me but it's time to get back to work!

The Wednesday Forecast

01/15/2004 - Be good to your close friends. They are more important than you think.
Yep. I'm rather sure that good friends are hard to come by and the ones that you get, you should be most diligent with retaining, treating well and keeping them involved in your life!

It's a Travel Day!

This blog will be traveling throughout the day and will soon be switching off until Monday or Tuesday of the coming week. There's just one last thing to do before I go though...

Cincinatti, OH - Home of Child-Eating Vending Machines

Interesting things always seem to abound at trailer parks, dark lonely roads and now at the Piggly Wiggly. Come to think of it, Child-Eating Vending Machines sounds like a good name for a band or at least a B-movie...

To My Dear Friend, Alcohol...

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not what to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat 2 tacos from Jack In The box, along with a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober. Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth, acned-up face, bad breath, beerbelly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you and why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous now. I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. C'mon now, it's only fair? You do your part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you from your biggest fan.

Something No Man Should Be Without

His very own pair of Under-Ease!

Astrological Report of the Day

01/14/2004 - Appeasing others is not hard once you ask them what their needs are.

Wakey Wakey!

So... It's time to get up and assimilate the day. More posts to come as I'll likely be incommunicado for a couple of days effective tomorrow through Monday.

A Week At The Gym: One Man's Story

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 20 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way i which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that #@$!? Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the witch), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Horoscopes for January (MTD)

01/13/2004 - You can make big breakthroughs in your work if you stay flexible.
Stretching exercises? Yep. Mental exercises? Yep. Thinking outside of the box? They haven't built a box big enough to hold me (or at least my ego).

01/12/2004 - You are the one responsible for the amount of stress in your life.
Guilty! I'll assume full responsibility for this issue and will continue to work on addressing the matter at my earliest convenience.

01/11/2004 - State your opinion instead of saying you don't care. You do care.
I do?

01/10/2004 - Think of solutions that will benefit the group - not just benefit you.
I always think of ways to accommodate and benefit the group. By acting selfless and ensuring the morale, success and continuity of the group I believe that I can help foster a healthier environment for everybody and even work towards leaving a lasting legacy far after I am gone...

01/09/2004 - You have the potential to make a huge leap up the ladder today.
Athletic shoes? Check. Ladder? Hey... What a sec!

01/08/2004 - It is important that you stay informed with what is going on nearby.
If it's not on my calendar or if they didn't send me a memo about it, I'm afraid that that I might have missed the boat. Oh well, I suppose that there are worse things than not knowing what all's going on...

01/07/2004 - Communicate your romantic feelings directly to the person you love.
Dear You-Know-Who, I love you!

01/06/2004 - Don't get caught up in mind games. Cut right to the honest truth.
Mind games... Unless it's something that I'm challenging myself to (which is something akin to mental masturbation) then it's a complete waste of time. If you're lucky, you get 70 years on this rock. That means 70 springs, 70 summers, 70 autumns and 70 winters. It's not a lot of time when you think about it so screw playing games!! Make the most of your time here with the rest of us...

01/05/2004 - The method you used the first time may not work the second time.
If at first you don't succeed, then perhaps skydiving isn't for you! Seriously though, it's important to keep one's perspective open to alternatives and if you're a bit of an overachiever or worrier then you'd better plan for all the contingencies. That includes packing a pillow with your parachute...

01/04/2004 - See the bright side of things and appreciate it. Especially today.
"Always look on the bright side of life..." -Monty Python

01/03/2004 - Rise above all the gossip around you and listen to only yourself.
Wait a minute... Does this apply to the voices in my head?

01/02/2004 - Have faith that you will meet your career goals and you will.
I have complete faith that I will accomplish whatever I set myself upon or whatever it is that I am supposed to accomplish anyway.

01/01/2004 - Go to where the excitement is instead of shying away from it.
Yep. Went skiing this day. That's definitely where all the excitement is!

First Update of The Year!

And it's late... Well, Winter Storm 2004 wasn't that big of a deal. There were winds in excess of 70 mph, temperatures in Seattle into the single digits (Fahrenheit), snow, ice, frozen pipes, lack of trash pickups and other miscellaneous issues to deal with. All things considered, the worst issue for me was losing water for a couple of days (frozen water main!) and losing my Internet access for about a week. Going without electricity (and therefore heat, computers, phones, etc.) didn't seem as big of a deal as not having water. What a pain in the ass...