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The "Beaver County Militia" is a militia for those that are "non violent", but are militant about being "non violent". And will fight to the death to stay "non violent."

What Do You Get...

When a self-admitted geek wants to show off his Christmas lights? A funny story that reels in the mainstream media!

Maryland Driver's Licenses Are On Their Way

But please be patient... We don't usually have such large requests.

Snow White and the Four Dwarves?

Read all about it.

Personally, I prefer the story of how there were 12 dwarves originally; when their numbers were down to just eight, suspicions began to arise about Hungry. :)

Another Heartwarming Tale of Humanity

Perhaps there's hope for us all...

Medicine In The News

Doctor removes wrong foot. The HMO plans to correct the problem so the patient won't have a leg to stand on.

(Okay... Maybe this post was going a little too far. Maybe.)

I Don't Think It Can Last

The news just isn't the news any more...

Attention, Cuba!

We will be there to liberate you soon.

Today's News

A manmade probe is set to land on Titan orbiting the planet Saturn...

In other news, we predict a local Titan news headline of "Crash landing of unknown object wipes out cultural center."

Merry Christmas, Everybody!

Here's my favorite holiday joke of 2004:
When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang and an irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Stick A Fork In Me: I'm Done!

Ugh... After not drinking much over the past several years, I am now beginning to realize why I don't drink very often. After my hellacious Friday, yesterday in my infinitesimal wisdom I decided that I should go out for drinks and wings on a school night.

So what have I learned about myself since last night? One or two beverages will do me just fine. Hot wings are fine and dandy but BBQ wings have too much sugar in them. And too much of anything is not a good thing.

On the plus side, I think I'm close to having a complete inventory of everything that was taken from my place and it's looking pretty good. Everything appears to have been a material possession with little or no emotional attachment. Other than the fact that my peace of mind is a little uneasy right now, I think that life will go on and as long as I keep the right attitude, something good will come out of it -- something always does.

On Youthful Drinking...

Ahh... Having spent my formative years in the Netherlands, some things begin to make sense now!

Texans: Humorless Puritans or Crusading Christian Conservatives?

We report, you decide.

Brr...

It's cold out; colder than I'm used to. Luckily for me, the kitchen window has now been repaired and I'm no longer bleeding warm air out of the house.

It's currently 20F (that's -7C) and it's only going to get colder tonight; supposedly, we're headed for 10F or -12C. In a word: Brr!!!

Stay warm out there.

This Is Pretty Darned Cool!

Okay... If these apartments come with parking, I'm sold!

Well, except for the whole commute thing.

Bogota 5-0

Attention Columbia-bound readers. Avoid voodoo dolls, talismans, powders and potions. You could be negatively impacting the moral conduct and good habits of the people.

Key quote, "Witches don't exist, but if they do, they do."

Miss Plastic Surgery

It's good to see that China has embraced the same shallow, materialistic and capitalistic values that are so prevalent in the West.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

And this time he's got a fighter escort!

British Doctors: More Time On Their Hands Than Candian Doctors?

We report, you decide.

Those Darn French!

What will they think of next?

More Midwest Criminal Masterminds

I have to wonder, what's going on in some people's heads.

Today Was A Much Better Day

Okay... I take back most of my rants from yesterday. Except #2: criminals should be punished according to their crime. And #4: I like the idea of a smaller government focused in primarily on public safety (police, fire, social health, etc.) and education.

This morning, I woke up and took a nice long hot shower (Broken Thermocoupler: $150), packed up my gear and headed out for the day.

I picked up a coworker at the office and by 7:15am, we were on our way to Whitetail Resort in "Pennsyltucky". By 9:30, we had our lift tickets ($50) and I had already made a run. While my skiing partner's morning didn't fare as well as mine the rest of the day went smoothly (except for lunch: $14).

By mid-afternoon, I could barely stand up any more and my quads were burning from the awesome carving I was doing on the two of the seven runs that were open. Even after the drive home, the endorphines are still churning through my body and I feel good.

I have come to the conclusion that while I may not be able to get back what was inappropriately taken from me, hopefully the authorities can bring the person (or persons) who performed this crime to justice. While I could cry over spilt milk, I don't really see how that's going to serve any purpose and that's all for now. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. (Feeling at peace with the universe: Priceless.)

Today Was A Hell Of A Day or Why I Support Mass Sterilization

It's days like today which remind me why I happen to believe with certain aspects of eugenics. I wake up on my day off and went to take a shower. Not noticing that the water heater didn't flare up as I was prepping my shower, I hopped in for a nice relaxing time. Moments later, I got to experience a cold winter shower in Baltimore (it's my first!).

Then, around noon, I took off to take care of some errands. When I returned, I didn't notice anything wrong at first. Then I saw that some DVDs were missing from their shelves. I checked to make sure that they hadn't fallen behind (hey, I'm from Seattle and we have earthquakes that could have caused it) and they weren't there. All of a sudden, alarm bells starting going off in my head as I started running around looking at what happened. Somebody had broken into my house and stolen from me!

So far, I've got the tally at a couple thousand dollars in items and cash that has been taken from me. Should I get my hands on the person or persons that did this, I recognize that getting my possessions back is most likely not going to happen but I will happily make sure that they are made to pay back society for everything that they have done.

What's been taken and cannot be replaced, however... Years of labor and knowledge have just disappeared into the ether. Information worth, literally, hundreds of thousands of dollars in the right hands have been taken by somebody who will most likely not know what they have and just erased...

Now how about we start laying out the foundations for my new world order?

#1: People who are can't fend for themselves or who don't make any effort to be a productive member of society should be taken out of the equation in the most humane manner.

#2: Except real criminals. Criminals should be punished. Severely. In fact, let's take the term "cruel and unusual" out of our vocabulary. If we punish those who are deserving of it early and often, it'll be a lot less unusual!

#3: Prostitution is not a crime. Deal with it. It's free for me to sleep with somebody unless I pay her for it? How am I NOT paying for it? There will always be dinner, drinks, time, effort, etc. etc. etc. I'd rather have it legal with complete medical support to keep disease and other issues (drugs, pimps, etc.) under control.

#4: There will be taxes. Education and public safety will be the primary responsibility of the government. HOWEVER, the government will not attempt to keep you from every single possible thing that might upset you or hurt you. If you don't have enough common sense to wear a helmet when riding a bicycle, then you shouldn't complain if you get hurt and can't walk ever again. If you don't exercise your freedom of choice to change the radio station when somebody you find distasteful is on the air, you lose the right to complain about it.

Alright... That's enough for now. I'm emotionally and physically drained and want nothing more to do with anybody for the rest of the weekend.

More Crime in the City

To the bastard(s) who broke into my house in Fells Point this afternoon (between noon and 2pm): When I find you, I am going to make you pay.

The Foamy Christmas Special

I love this guy!

Key quote, "'Tis the season to shut the fuck up and stop being a whiney little bitch!"

It's Time!

Ski season is officially scheduled to open up on Saturday, December 18th. See you on the slopes!

Things to Ponder

What makes the loss of a loved one so difficult?
I seriously believe that it is not being able to say goodbye that makes the loss of a loved one difficult. At least by communicating that you love each other, forgive each other or have released your regrets you can find some closure. That doesn't make the pain any easier to live through, it doesn't make the situation right and it doesn't help in the short term. What it does do, however, is provide the groundwork for you to begin the healing process and hopefully you will find that you will get better and life will go on as it must.

Why is breaking up so hard to do?
In my experience, breaking up isn't nearly as hard to do as throwing in the towel. The admission of defeat is something that I still have problems with. My preference is to instead focus on how a challenge can be transformed into an opportunity or perhaps to learn something new. Sometimes things just don't work out between two people. It could be due to distance, family, background, environment and other variables.

If you like somebody but God/fate/life/the universe conspires to not let you be with them, what is it that you're missing or why aren't you trying harder?
Sometimes, we are lucky enough to meet somebody who wakes up something within us and makes us feel more alive than we ever did before and that's all that they were meant for. The alternative is that we're simply too lazy to make a real effort to be with somebody despite the challenges. Your choice.

What are you satisfied with in your life up to this point? What would you change?
Our reality is defined by our perceptions. If you maintain a positive attitude and convince yourself that you're lucky, life will tend to rearrange itself to that perspective. With that one simple change, you might discover that losing your job/business leads itself to even greater opportunities that you may have never otherwise have seen. You might discover that the reason why you dislike somebody is because of a deeply rooted sense of guilt or because of something you see in that person that reminds you of yourself.

Soon... Soon...

It looks like some cold air has made its way south to the Mid-Atlantic region and the ski areas around here are prepping their slopes in order to open up for the season. What can I say? How about, "IT'S ABOUT TIME!!"?

Note to self: The next time I move, I've got to be closer to skiing.

Parents On Strike: Update

It's been a week and they've endured "unusually frigid" temperatures (High of 72, Low of 44). Will it work? Can the parents outwit the children? Will the children be able to carry their own weight?

And Now For Something Truly Heartwarming...

No, seriously!

Creeping Facism Alert!

When scissors are outlawed, then only outlaws will have scissors...

Madame Tussaud Goes Too Far

What were those Brits thinking?? George W. Bush should be in the manger, not in the role of one of the three wise men!

Attention, Left-Wing Conspiracy Nuts!

What you've heard may be true... However, it wouldn't be the first time and it certainly won't be the last time; so get over it and get on the bandwagon so we can get the President and his "mandate" through the next four years. How bad could it be anyway?

Remember, in order to keep the economy going, borrow money and buy more stuff: it's the American way!

Serious Question Time

Who really lets their 18 year old daughter out dressed like that?

Attention Deadbeat Dads!

You will get no pity from me or from Israeli authorities.

Things to Watch Out For

Virgins rally for abstinence...

Criminal Masterminds of the Midwest

I know that it's a tough call but please reserve your judgement until you've heard all of the facts.

A Maryland Driver's License Is On It's Way

To this young man in Little Rock, Arkansas.

Parents On Strike

I have to admit that it's about time that we had a return to old-fashioned values where children respect their elders and actually go out of their way to help out. Since that's obviously not going to happen, here's an alternative.

From the Just-In-Case-I'm-Wrong Dept.

You have to admit that this guy's plan has some merit to it. Live an atheist's life of fame (or infamy), vice and avarice and then in your old age, turn around and declare that you've found God.

Attention, Men...

I wouldn't recommend this legal defense even if you had Mr. J. Cochran defending you.

What Medical Crisis?

Canadian doctors... Too much time on their hands or just off their rockers? We report, you decide.

She's In Trouble Again...

Poor poor Martha Stewart. It looks like she's in trouble again.

Attention Laptop Owners!

I've seen some really creative headlines today.

• "Laptops Go On Sperm Killing Rampage"
• "Shock As Docs Say Laptops Stop Tots"
• "Hot Laptops Could Cook Men's Fertility"
• "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Firewire"
• "Sperm Does Not Compute"
• "Those Dad-Burned Laptops"
• "A Low Blow From The Laptop"
  

It's Hanukkah!!

Let's all celebrate together...

The video was done by somebody other than the original artist, Eric Schwartz, the original suburban homeboy.

Another Office Productivity Tool

This should really enhance your daily performance.

Gallup Does It Again

There's a new Gallup poll out showing which careers have the most honest people working in them. Top marks went to nurses and grade school teachers.

Business executives rated far from the top coming behind newspaper and television reporters, nursing home operators and even car mechanics. However, we managed to come out ahead of Congressmen, lawyers, advertisers and car salesmen! So to the people in those professions, I say, "Neener neener!" To the others who came ahead of me, you'd just better watch your back.

The POTUS Calling the Kettle Black

It's only fair of me to say what everybody else is thinking... Bush is, at least in my humble opinion, not the right man to be preaching against drug use.

Twisted Movie of the Week

If you liked But I'm A Cheerleader and Dogma, you're going to have a blast with Saved!

Teacher Identified as a Criminal

Apparently, the closer you get to Washington, DC, the more draconian the laws get. However, I blame terrorists for removing any notices instructing the suspect that her activity was illegal.

The Ever Evolving English Language

Dude.

Fertility Symbol or Propaganda

Note to everybody: Dirty politics have been around much longer than Karl Rove.

Fun with Pumpkins

All I can say is that I wish I could have been there...

Time to Diet!

Friends, Countrymen, Americans!

Lend me your ears...

It is incidents like these that cause the world to look at us with disdain and to consider us terrorists...

What Would You Give?

Here's a question for everybody. Don't bother emailing me because I don't want to know your answers. It's purely an exercise for yourself to help develop you further.,,

Who are you?

I know who I am and that helps me determine the next question and the tasks that I face, but unless you know who you are, don't expect to understand or be able to handle the next steps.

Are you an overachiever?
Are you an underachiever?
Do you crave recognition?
Do you dream of acceptance?
Do you wish for affection?
Do you long for attention?

What makes us who we are...? When you identify the things that have made you who you are and brought you to this particular junction in your life, then you may be ready to accept the next question and determine the answer to:

Why am I here?

What Would Escher Say?

Trippy? Cool? The world may never know...

Adventures in Volunteering

It's been a long time since I've gone out and done any volunteer work. So, earlier this week, I set out to find something worthwhile to partake in.

I stumbled across a ragtag organization that calls itself Single Volunteers of Baltimore/Annapolis. They had a couple of upcoming events so I chose one that was close to home and seemed like it would lend itself to my experiences.

This morning, my alarm woke me up around 6am. Instead of hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep for a little while longer, I got up. I showered, got dressed and then headed over to the Ronald McDonald House of Baltimore and with a bunch of other strangers, we all brought in groceries from our own pocket and made breakfast for the people staying there. There were smiles and plenty of thanks from people who most of us had never met who were staying there while a family member was undergoing surgery or treatment at one of the many local hospitals.

All in all, I'd have to say that the time spent this morning was extremely worthwhile and rewarding. I urge all of you to take a couple of hours out of your lives during this month to personally help those around you who may be less fortunate... Who knows? Perhaps you'll find it as enriching as I did and will be back for more.

A Holiday Classic

Everybody knows the Chipmunk Song...

Resort for Women

You too, could visit the home of The Original Minnow Shot.

Some Rambling Thoughts

Here we are, all together on this little island called Earth. There are enough resources for us to get along with one another but it's going to take some effort. Sacrifices will have to be made, rules will have to be laid out to live by in order to guarantee the survival of life.

Do we band together, share our knowledge and make the best of our situation or do we split out into separate factions with different agendas? I'm not saying that we need to have a world full of shiny, happy people (although that would be nice) but we're all in this together because the last time I checked, there ISN'T another island within swimming distance.

The businessman in me is thinking about the rationalization for the US to not participate in the Kyoto Protocol. I suppose that since it has been ratified and Russia appears to be taking a leading role in the world, the UN could apply sanctions to the US. Oh wait, that's right. We have veto privileges thanks to a permanent seat on the UN Security Council.

Anyway, back to my thoughts... President Bush's argument against Kyoto was that it "unfairly" didn't single out developing nations. Here's a thought: why not supply or finance first world technology so that they can skip past the whole "developing" stage? Large companies would be the ones who stand to gain the most by selling/financing these systems and technologies. Heck, we could even use that trade as a means to purchase back enough credits towards emission gases that every soccer mom could have a gas-guzzling SUV.

Then again... It sounds like it's too much hard work for this administration. Sure, I see the "tough" decisions being made and we have the current game of musical chairs going on in the Cabinet. However, when it comes to the fundamentals of running this country like a cost-effective and successful business, the leadership has failed its shareholders, that would be the American populace, along with our customers, the rest of the world.